neither here nor there

well, actually, here. It hurts less to type than to write free hand, so I will not be writing this in my private journal as intended.

Today, to put it frankly, fucking sucked. I've been grouchy all day due to the increasingly difficult to bear pain in my wrist. As we speak it hurts to clench and unclench my hand to a solid 8. Lateral movement is all but impossible at this point and bending my wrist more than a few degrees is awful. Needless to say, this did not put me in the best of moods today.

I have no problem helping stephanie with the shop. It"s a little irritating at most, as I'm not getting paid for it and, without her, have no vested interest in the shop. It would be better if I was at least an employee, but I have to work essentially for free until the 4th when I fill out my w2. Stephanie says it's making up for all the time I spent unemployed doing whatever I wanted. A lot of that time was spent cleaning and taking care of the dogs, but I'm not going to argue that. I don't feel like I "owe" anything for being unemployed. The money from my unemployment was the only reason we were able to make it.

Regardless, I've been snappy all day and I took that out on Katy and Steph. I want to apologize, and I will. Right now I"m floating through a bit of a haze. In the last 2 hours I've had 4 lorazapam. The first two when we got home, then 2 more a few minutes ago because of a pretty severe anxiety attack. I would give anything for today to be done.

Tomorrow I'm getting my food handler's permit, starting bar back training, helping paint the shop, and making a doc appointment for my wrist. I really hope I can be seen in Mt. Vernon. I don't want to drive to seattle

3 days before Christmas...

Today has been a little hard. I feel bad for Steph...dealing with everything that's going on with the business plus what's going on here at home. It's taking it's toll on her and I wish there was more that I could do to help.

Decided that a little surprise wouldn't hurt. She asked me to do a few bits and pieces of cleaning...so I cleaned the entire house. Made the bed, folded the laundry, finished the dishes, vacuumed livingroom, couch, and bedroom, cleaned the bathroom, swept bathroom and kitchen. Laundry is going, too. I feel pretty accomplished, and I hope it makes her day a little easier. I'm going to start on the meal planning as soon as I'm done with this. Probably won't go into effect until the first (when we will also be returning to the gym).

Today was less shaky than yesterday. Slowly recovering from the talk with my dad. Broke the ice with mom last night, too. I'm going to keep talking to her every day. It feels pretty good.

I'm a little nervous about starting work. I've never had a job where I was so...visible I guess. Going to be working in a downtown fixture. Hundreds of people are going to know who I am. That's kind of weird. I know I can do the job, even excel at it. Part of me wants to compete after a year or two...it really looks like a lot of fun.

Friendsmas

Today is friendsmas. I'm a bit nervous about that because most of the people there have a lot of (well deserved) negative feelings about me right now.

I still think they are hypocrits. Katy has gotten nowhere near as much flak for this as I have, and andrew seems to have gotten off scottfree. Is my crime not theirs?

My dad is coming up today. Supposedly, anyways. I haven't heard from him yet and he isn't answering his home phone. Part of me wonders if maybe he isn't working today. Maybe he forgot. I guess we'll see, he said he'd be here around 12.

Steph is in the shower and I've just done a spot pick up of the living room. I'm hoping this day continues to be as good as it started

The first day of the rest of today

First post, new blog. It's been a while. Wish I was here under better circumstances.

Regardless, I have made choices and they have led me to this place. This particular point in space and time. This junction of futures. More choices will be made, and those choices will reflect upon me and shape the rest of my life. Sometimes that's hard to think about.

Sean had really good advice for me today. He told me that us bipolar folk can't think of ourselves first when we make a choice, because we will invariably make the wrong one. Sometimes he is much more wise than one would think. I suppose it's easier to see the crazy in a friend or family member than it is to see it in ourselves. By seeing it we can better understand it.

I never thought I'd make a good friend to someone who is bipolar. Look at me go!

I got steph's christmas presents today. She told me not to, but I did anyways. I may have fucked up, but I'll be damned if it ruins her holiday. It may anyways, but I can at least say that I tried to make it good.

I'm bummed that we didn't go see avatar today, but I understand why we didn't. I know we'll go see it while it's still in theaters. It's not really a big deal. I feel bad because chase got the day off though. He's always complaining that he never has a day off. I hope he did something fun.

Speaking of chase, I haven't talked to him about this yet. Perhaps tomorrow? I always have a hard time talking to chase about anything important in my life...we are both secretive about that.

Anyways, I think that's enough for tonight. Made it through the first couple of days, just taking it one at a time.